My Shot

A few months back I made the decision to take a hiatus. I needed to completely commit to the rewrite of my memoir and nothing else…

I was on a roll. There were days I wrote non-stop until dinner time. Then something happened. I began to self-doubt myself and quickly began to lose my rhythm.

I am the queen of self-sabotage and it’s always when I am pumped and excited about something that I begin to doubt myself. In my sleep. In my daily thoughts. While I sit in front of my lap top.

There were days I raised above it, but for the most part I couldn’t shake it. It was something I didn’t confess to anyone. It was my secret. It paralyzed me. I questioned myself, I made countless excuses. I am not a writer I said to myself over and over. I did not go to school for this. Who do I think I am? People are going to criticize my grammar/story line (someone already did. I know they meant well but, it did silence my voice in a slow then rapid pace).

I prayed every night. I prayed every morning. FEAR took over 99% of my thoughts. There was still that 1%. My gut. It whispered to me: Your story is pretty fucking great. It was this 1% that kept me going and searching and praying for something, anything, a sign.

I heard of a Summit that someone I trust and admire attended last year. I didn’t know too much about it other than it was based on organic wellness and living.

I wasn’t familiar with any of the guest speakers. Once again my gut whispered, “GO.” Maybe I’m going to meet someone. Or hear something. And if none of that happens, I would have at least spent my time surrounded by like-minded people, I thought. Two weeks prior to my trip I wondered about what I wanted to do on my last night in New York. HAMILTON.

I knew absolutely not one thing about this man, other than a nearby school was named after him. I had heard so much about the play. I had to go.

At the Summit I met smart, healthy, genuinely nice people. Drew Ramsey, MD (psychiatrist and farmer) spoke about his approach with his patients and getting their diet right by eating clean and organic. A healthy gut leads to a healthy brain is how he views it. I learned the importance of purchasing fair trade (including CONDOMS). Candice Kumai got personal and shared her story from a raw and vulnerable place. “Do the fucking work. Don’t let up,” she said. Cyndie Spiegel asked challenging questions. The one that broke me down was, “I feel like a fraud when…” I raised my hand and finished the sentence, “When I say I am a writer and working on my second edit. What I don’t say is there are times I don’t write for a couple of weeks because I am scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of thinking I am a writer.”

“Do you write?” Cyndie challenged.

“Yes.”

“Then you are a writer.”

After the session I was approached by another attendee. “I am having the same struggle. What is your memoir about?”

Once I finished telling her the short/long story she looked me in the eye and said, “You are the messenger. You have to tell this story.”

You know what? I believed her. I believe I have a story to tell. I already know it’s pretty fucking great. And even though I’ve had people tell me before that I need to share my story, it was the way she said it. A perfect stranger (or angel in disguise) listened intently as I talked and gave me a message so clear that I could no longer deny it. FEAR equals POWER.

I settled into my seat (orchestra section middle seat) and waiting for Hamilton to begin. A giddy white girl sat next to me. We exchanged smiles. “Please excuse me and my friends if we start singing the songs.”

“Did you know much about Hamilton before this play?” I asked her.

“Nothing at all until I looked him up on Wikipedia.”

I nodded and felt relieved that I wasn’t alone about not being interested in this man until now. Then wondered why I hadn’t done any sort of research beforehand. The lights dimmed…

I did NOT blink. I sat on the edge of my seat the ENTIRE show. I danced in my seat. I cheered. I cried. In the end I was speechless.

This statement may seem premature. Nevertheless, I truly feel this way deep in my bones. Alexander Hamilton has changed my life. He was a hustler and made shit happen out of nothing. He never let up. The message I received throughout the play were the same messages I received through the people I interacted with. I realized how my angels worked their magic the entire time I was in New York. The people I met and the quickness of scoring a ticket for the most important, talked about play in history. To the last message from Eliza (A. Ham’s ) wife, “Who lives, who dies, who tells your story.”

I will forever look at this moment as the moment that was a turning point for me.

I walked out of the theatre and down Broadway feeling inspired and resilient. Feeling lucky to be alive right now. I’ve never been this determined. This ready to participate in my life. If not now, then when? The self-doubt and fear were indicters to dig deep and are actually good feelings I realized. It means I have something tangible. I’m going to RISE UP and no longer going to stand in my own way.  The message was LOUD and CLEAR.

In the words of A. Ham, “I am not throwing away My Shot”

 

P.S. I AM A WRITER.

 

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