May your search through nature lead you to yourself- Tony Ross

I was ready, or so I thought. I soon learned the universe had other plans for me.

A while back I made the decision to focus entirely on completing the book, and step away from blogging. While I was in New York last fall I met an author, and we began to talk about our projects. She insisted I contact her when I was ready, so I did. I finished the book, and I sent her an email. She immediately replied with her agent’s information. I couldn’t believe how smooth things were falling into place. Until, learned I had to submit a proposal. After spending an entire day down the rabbit hole googling book proposals, I decided to reach out to my friend, and asked, if  together we could tackle this proposal thing. Thankfully she agreed. My job was done. I wrote the damn book, right? Her job was to find information about proposals, and get back to me. Then she would give me homework to do. Once I completed my homework, she would go over everything to make sure I met my goal, the result being a book proposal. Secretly, I was hoping she would find something different than what I had found because that shit was overwhelming! It turns out; it was the same exact overwhelming shit she presented to me at our meeting:

*Advance blurbs – I am not a well-known author, so I don’t know other authors who could read my work, to comment on, then use the comments for my book.

*Overview- Check. No problem. I just had to work on not blabbing on for days what my story is about.

*Markets and marketing- this is where shit got real. I am supposed to submit information about other books in my genre and the sales. In other words, I have to let the agent/publisher know if my story is going to make them money.

*Author bio and resume- Check. No problem.

*Comparable titles- Check. No problem.

*Table of contents- Check. No problem.

*Chapter summaries- My chapters are not that long, but, okay I can do this. Check. No problem.

*Sample chapters- Check. No problem.

I know that it looks like I have plenty of no problems. So, what is the problem? This is when I began to ask myself that same question. I wondered if I was simply scared of being challenged on tackling something I had NO experience on. I wondered if I was going down the right path. When my husband encouraged me to write this story, he always talked about self-publishing, and I agreed. Now, all of a sudden I was talking about agents, and book proposals. Did I let the original vision, and plan slip away, and did I get carried away? Fuck, I was confused and I prayed HARD for some answers. A few days later at a bar in Santa Monica I met a woman. We chatted for a while. She asked me what I was working on, and I shared I just completed a book. She asked me if I was working with an agent or publisher. I said no, and explained everything. She shared she had a book coming out in a week, and would like for me to go to her book reading. She gave me her email address, and asked me to email her so she could forward the invite to the reading, AND because she wanted to send me her book proposal, for my eyes only.  She did as she promised. I received all 97 pages in my inbox. Then I had my accident.

The fucker before me at boot camp class did not turn off the treadmill we shared. He jumped off, and I stepped on a few minutes later. My face bounced back and forth twice off the treadmill HARD. My body was thrown off, and I landed face down in a pool of blood. It was HORRIBLE. My face was busted. I thought I broke my nose. A few days later I saw my doctor, and was given the good news; my shnozzle was not broken. The result was a pinched rib. I was forced to stay home for several weeks to heal. I placed my book project on hold to mull over what direction I wanted to go in. I talked to a close friend who is in the process of self-publishing. By the end of our conversation I was convinced that was the direction for me. I began to feel excited over it. I began to share my decision. Then the opinions poured in, and I was left confused once again. Was I being a chicken shit. Was I half assing it. Would self publishing mean I might loose out on an opportunity only an agent can provide. Round and round I went, again.

At the end of March I felt better. I could take deep breaths, and not feel any pain. I was good to hit it, slowly I decided. The very next day I went on a hike on the same trail I do every week with a couple of girlfriends. It was a beautiful, warm morning. The trial was filled with blooming flowers from all the rain we had, and on the way back down I stepped on a rock, and sprained my ankle. I have never had any type of injuries in my life, until now, and god damn, they were PAINFUL ones. Later that day when I was alone I cried. I could NOT believe this happened. What was the fucking reason behind it all? My friends tried to comfort me. Maybe I need to take it slow, they suggested. Maybe, I need to stay home to focus on the direction I need to take with the book, others said. I was not hearing any of it. I was angry. One day while at lunch a psychic approached me, “You are holding onto to resentment. You are not doing whatever it is that you want to do. This is why you sprained your ankle.” And, just like that, it clicked. He was right. I was not listening to myself, and deep in my soul I was annoyed with myself because of it.

I pulled out my book and read it over. I noticed there were parts where I was still holding back. I was still protecting myself from being completely vulnerable.  This is such a special, personal part of my timeline with someone who impacted my life in ways, that at times I feel the english language does not have words to convey how I feel about it. How can I show how much this person meant to me? How can I show how he changed my life course? And, at the same time not give a shit what people think.

These past couple of months have been one heck of a ride. I now see I needed to go on it. I walked in nature to find myself. Fuck, I had no choice. When the student (me) does not listen, the universe will find ways to get your attention. I can now see that my book was not ready. The universe tried very hard to get me to stop, and to not be in a hurry with this project, because it was not ready.

I did attend my new friend, Meredith Maran’s book reading, and it turned out this new book was her fourteenth book! I began to read one of her books I purchased, Why We Write About Ourselves. It has helped me tremendously. I now understand what is needed from me, and the result will be one HELL of a great shot.

X

P.S.

I am going to self-publish.