Confession…

I have a confession to make. I’ve spent the last six weeks in my head and that is not a safe place to be holed up in. Not for me. Especially when all I want to do is write and share everything I am thinking. But I don’t because 90% of the jargon is SELF DOUBT. My confession-this is the part where I am going to be completely and utterly vulnerable- is that I am afraid.

~criticism

~I went from not existing on social media to BAM here I am and all my personal shit

~hurting someone’s feelings

~not making sense

And the loudest one:

~who do I think I am?

Just as good as I am about tormenting myself due to being my own worst critic I also know how to talk sense to myself (it’s very exhausting being me). So when I find myself asking,” Who do you think you are?” I remind myself that I am a person with an idea and I rather do something with my idea then not at all. No matter how tempting the latter sounds.

People say, “Do what you like.” I like stories. I like sharing. I enjoy meeting people and when I do, I talk to them. A couple of weeks ago I accompanied my lovely friend to a party in the Canyon. The house filled with people and I found myself having conversations with complete strangers about our interests. Not one person asked what I did for a living and vice versa. It was perfectly refreshing.

Image if someone would have asked me what I do for a living (and I do get asked A LOT), I would have blurted out that I was in the middle of self-sabotaging my idea of having a blog due to the crazy ass voices in my head.

It finally hit me last Saturday when my friend of many years stopped by my house. It was his last day at work. He was now going to focus on the grand opening of his own new restaurant. The weekend before this news, I attended my close friend’s grand opening party of her boutique spa. Both of these friends talked about owning their own businesses for a long time and I have to say, they inspired me. I sat on the couch and said to my husband, “I don’t want to be left behind.”

I kicked the voice in my head to the curb. I am now sitting in my dining room in my writing outfit, a robe, and even though I want to take advantage of this summer in winter weather and be at the beach, this is what I need to do. For ME.

Did any of this shit make sense?

What I’m saying is I am releasing the pressure I have put on myself. Recently I sold my desk on craigslist and pulled my old butcher block table that was from my single living days out of the garage. My husband wheeled it into the office/my husband’s dressing room/ niece’s playroom and placed the PC on it. It works much better for me. The space is compact and I don’t have a chair. For me, that is a good thing, otherwise I sit at the desk for hours supposedly writing (I do write, but end up saving the stories instead of posting them, due to the self doubt shit) and instead I do 50% writing and 50% surfing the web while Mr. Belvedere is on in the background. Next I grabbed my laptop and downloaded all the necessary anti-virus, win cleaner techie shit I bought from HSN months ago and got my laptop all ready. As I was doing this shake up I came across my supplies.

I once had my own greeting card line. I remember walking into stores and being turned down A LOT. The one store that did buy my cards is a staple on Abbot Kinney Blvd. The owner gave me a chance when no else did and it was such a gratifying feeling. She didn’t order another batch and I was okay with that. The lesson was for me to try an idea I had. And I did. Now seeing all my supplies, I’m inspired to make cards again. This time for my friends and family and that’s okay too because right now this is my new idea. If this goes nowhere, that’s okay, as long as I didn’t half ass it along the way. That’s not my style. This idea is going to lead me to the next idea. It’s called stepping stones.

I told myself not every post has to be this elaborate essay (some days it might). It can be simple and sweet. This is MY online diary. You are more than welcome to join me on my journey. I hope you do.

I am now going to update my music. I forgot that I still had Christmas music on rotation in the cd player. Whew! Wasn’t it Christmas a few days ago?

See you manana. Promise.

X